Sick
by oh-you-pretty-things
Summary: A short post-Panda Megamix epilogue in three parts.
1. Shuichi

**_DISCLAIMER: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami. I'm just borrowing the characters to fulfill the needs of my own morbid plot bunnies._**

_AN: This is set immediately following the last frame of the Panda Megamix - for those of you who don't know the plot of that one, or haven't read it: basically, Yuki is on a deadline, Shuichi is away on tour. Yuki's thoughts turn to Kitazawa and he becomes lost in an obsessive fantasy involving him. He calls Tohma and Tatsuha over and, uh, basically they screw the hell out of Yuki. Tohma tapes it and the last scene is Shuichi watching the tape. You don't see Shuichi's entire face and so his reaction is totally up for interpretation. Here's my interpretation in three short parts. _

_Again, much love to my beta, coffee-house-girl.  
_

Shuichi

_"That crappy spirit of his wore out a long time ago. If we keep using his trauma as an excuse, his body will be completely ours before long,"_ Tatsuha's voice crackled through the television speakers.

_"We're the ones 'being used' by Eiri-san. Let's keep everything else our little secret, okay?"_ Tohma's voice was as smooth as ever.

Sick. Sick, sick, sick. The word repeated itself in Shuichi's head over and over again. He felt sick for what he'd seen. He knew that what Eiri, Tatsuha, and Tohma had done was sick. He knew that Eiri's need to "connect" with Kitazawa was sick. He knew that Tohma taping it was sick. Every. Single. Thing. _Sick_.

He wondered what had gone through Eiri's mind when he'd called them over. Had he been afraid? Lonely? Or, was he just _sick_? Shuichi knew that he should have felt betrayed, but instead all he could think about was how betrayed Yuki had been. Seguchi was constantly going on about Shuichi being a bad influence on Eiri's life, but that was a cover._ Let's keep everything else our little secret, okay?_

The empty static snow crackled loudly through the speakers as the tape ran out. Tohma was the bad influence. He was using not only Eiri's weakness for his own gain, but also Tatsuha's naivety. How could he? How could he claim to love Eiri when he just encouraged this self-hurt? He didn't love Eiri. He was just a sore loser. Eiri would never love Tohma as he loved Shuichi. Tohma was jealous. Jealous of Shuichi.

Shuichi didn't know whether to cry or laugh; whether to continue to sit there, or to run around the apartment. He heard keys jingling in the door and his hand shot out to shut off the television and eject the tape as rapidly as possibly. He crammed the tape into his backpack as Yuki came through the door.

"I'm home," Eiri called softly.

"Welcome back," Shuichi returned. He twisted around and smiled slightly at Yuki.

Eiri was taken aback, obviously not expecting to find Shuichi sitting there alone in the dark. Shuichi stood up and walked toward Eiri, sadness welling up inside him. Yuki was so beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful. He could have been so pure had Kitazawa not crushed him so thoroughly. If Seguchi had not continued to crush him. He could still be, if Shuichi acted now.

"Is everything alright?" Yuki asked, placing a bag of groceries on the counter, "You look...Hey, Shu, did something happen?"

Shuichi threw his arms around Eiri and held him close, relishing the sensation of Yuki's arms closing around him.

"Nothing that can't be fixed," Shuichi replied softly.

Eiri pulled back from him and studied his expression. Golden eyes swept over his face expressing nothing but concern for him and Shuichi's heart welled up with love. A slow smile stretched across Eiri's faultless features.

"I've missed you."

Shuichi returned his smile and stretched up on his toes to kiss him.

"I won't leave you alone again, Eiri."

Yuki's brow furrowed with the slightest touch of confusion. He reached up and ruffled Shuichi's hair before turning his back on him and heading to the kitchen. Such an ordinary action, an everyday movement. Shuichi wondered where Eiri stored all that pent up pain when he was around.

"Don't be stupid," Eiri called back behind him, "You're always going to have tours. I can take care of myself."

No, he couldn't. Shuichi knew that now. He was amazed that his eyes had remained dry through this.

"Yuki," he said, while the first tears began to fall, "There's something I need to do."

Before Eiri had a chance to respond, Shuichi had grabbed his backpack and disappeared out the door.


	2. Tohma

**_DISCLAIMER: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami. I'm just borrowing the characters to fulfill the needs of my own morbid plot bunnies._**

_AN: coffee-house-girl, thanks for being such a fabulous beta. The end.  
_

Tohma

Bad Luck had returned to Tokyo today. Tohma had made it his personal agenda to go to the airport to pick them up. He had been especially eager to see Shindou. He wanted to be sure that he was doing the right thing by leaving that video in Eiri's VCR. He wanted to see that bright, enthusiastic face and know that when he watched it, he'd know what to do.

This had gone on for far too long now. It had become like a drug for him. It was so bad now that he couldn't even have sex with Mika without imagining that it was her brother beneath him. It wasn't healthy and he knew it. It wasn't fair either, to the entire Uesugi family. He was older than Eiri and Tatsuha, old enough to be a mentor. And he was essentially their brother, their wise and unfailing brother, and yet there he was: Failing them both, failing them all.

There were a number of ways in which Shuichi could respond to the video. He could turn his back on Eiri, feeling betrayed in the most childish way possible. If that were the case, then he truly didn't deserve Eiri and it would be for the best. Or, he could direct his anger towards Tohma and Tatsuha. It would be a step in the right direction, but still not quite enough. Or, he could do what was needed to be done. He could take Eiri out of this sick mess and actually help him get better. Shuichi was the only one that could help Eiri become healthy again. Shuichi was the only one who should ever see Eiri in that vulnerable position because he was the only one who could bring love to it.

All Tohma had needed was one glance in Shindou's unfailingly faithful face to know that what he had done was right. In fact, once Shuichi had gotten over the surprise of seeing Tohma there personally to pick them up, he had immediately asked about Eiri. Yes, he was the only one who could end this.

It had been at least two hours since Tohma had dropped Shuichi off at the apartment that Eiri shared with him. The tape was about an hour long and Eiri wouldn't be home until, he glanced at the clock, about now. Tohma was not a patient man and he wanted to know if Shuichi had watched the video. He'd planted it in such a genius manner, too. Pausing it on such a frame that it would peak Shuichi's curiosity and leaving the television on in the dark room. There was a possibility that Shindou would have simply shut off the television, but it was slim.

He heard the distant crackle of static through the intercom on his desk.

"Shindou-san is here to see you, sir."

Tohma smiled. "Send him up."

Tohma tried to steady his breathing as the minutes ticked by, impatient to know down which path Eiri's saviour would go. There was a slight knock on the door and Tohma released a long breath before shuffling papers on his desk in an attempt to look disinterested and innocent.

"Come in."

Shindou entered the office with his backpack hanging from his left shoulder. His backpack. Tohma frowned. No. He was supposed to stay with Eiri. He was supposed to make things right. He wasn't supposed to run.

"Shindou-san," he said as lightly as he could, attempting to control the anger bubbling up inside him. "Won't you sit?"

He gestured towards a chair in front of his desk. He was having a hard time accepting the presence of the backpack. He _needed_ Shuichi to rescue Eiri and indirectly, himself. Tohma needed it.

Shuichi approached his desk slowly, letting the backpack slide from his shoulder and thrusting his hand inside of it.

"I don't think I will," he said in a shaking voice once he'd arrived at the desk.

Tohma raised his eyebrows in a mock-confused manner. So this was the route he'd chosen? To direct his anger at him? Tohma supposed he deserved it, but he was disappointed. He had expected so much more from Shindou, especially if he was planning to run. He had really thought that Shuichi would be the one to save him.

Shuichi's hand emerged from the bag with the tape in hand. "I assume you put this where I could find it."

He had never given Shuichi the credit he'd deserved for his insightfulness. "You assume correctly."

Tohma hadn't been prepared for what happened next. He'd always had an idea of how he thought this would happen. He'd always assumed that Shuichi's possessiveness would take over and that he'd accidentally rescue Eiri in his selfishness, but Tohma had been wrong. Shuichi raised the tape over his head and brought it down hard on the edge of the desk, splitting it in two with a sickening crack. Even Tohma wasn't immune to the surprise that the noise provided. Shuichi continued to smash the video until there was nothing left but torn ribbons of film and tiny pieces of black plastic everywhere, even floating in Tohma's coffee.

Tohma was fascinated by this display. Was it anger? Was it a sense of betrayal? Or, was it the _something else_ he'd been hoping for? Shindou's face was tearstained and torn from so many different emotions; it was impossible to read.

A worried voice called through the intercom, "Sir, is everything alright?"

Tohma pushed the button automatically. "Yes. I don't want to be disturbed."

He couldn't drag his eyes away from Shuichi, overexcited to know what the distraught boy would do next.

"How could you?" Shindou asked in a low voice.

But what did he mean? How could he have done this to him? Or did he mean Eiri?

"How could you?" he repeated again, apparently unable to form his thoughts into coherency.

"Quite easily," Tohma replied softly, hoping that it would throw Shindou over the edge. He hadn't been wrong. Shuichi directed his wide, enraged eyes to the older man's face.

"You fucking bastard. Eiri trusts you! More than me, clearly. But that's _wrong_!"

Tohma couldn't help the wide smile that stretched across his face. "What are you going to about it?"

Shuichi scoffed audibly. "I'm going to take him away from you. Far away."

Tohma's smile deepened. Yes. This was what he had wanted. But, he still needed to be sure.

"Surely you understand that there's nowhere in Japan where I won't find you. Even if I don't, have you considered that Eiri might find me?"

Tohma hadn't been prepared for the defiant smirk that had appeared on Shuichi's face. "Of course I have. That's why we're leaving Japan."

"What?"

No. This wasn't what Tohma had wanted. For Shuichi to protect Eiri and make him better, yes, he'd wanted that. But, to take him away from him permanently? Away from Japan? No, not that. He _needed_ Eiri. He needed to see that sweet face torn with haunting, distant memories.

The sound of Shuichi's bitter laugh was cruel on Tohma's ears. "I'll take him away from his continued source of pain."

"But, what about your contract? And, Bad Luck?" Tohma was desperate. Even though this was what he had truly hoped for, he hadn't considered how difficult it would be to accept.

"Hiro and Suguru are talented in their own right. They'll find something else to do. I'm breaking my contract. Right now. Consider it broken."

"You can't."

Shuichi laughed unsympathetically. "So sue me, Seguchi-san."

"I could ruin your career."

Tohma couldn't understand why he kept grasping so desperately at every last straw. At first, he'd wanted to be sure that Shindou was serious about protecting Eiri, but that feeling had dissolved pretty quickly. Eiri was his addiction and he was already going through withdrawal just thinking about losing him.

"Go ahead. I have something, no, _someone _far more important than my career to worry about."

Shuichi placed both hands on Tohma's desk and stared into the older man's eyes, which were now brimming with unshed, frantic tears. His expression softened slightly and Tohma had no idea why.

"You're sick, Tohma," he said very softly.

It was the first time Shuichi had ever said his first name. Tohma realized it was also likely the last time he'd ever say it.

"You need help as much as he does," Shuichi continued, "so in a way I'm helping you, too."

Tohma felt the tears brim over onto his cheeks. "What about Tatsuha?"

Shuichi stood up, his expression sad. "Unfortunately, I can't help him while helping Eiri. Maybe," he paused, as though wondering if he should continue, "Maybe you should consider him your chance for redemption."

Tohma's eyes widened. He had expected Shuichi to save Eiri, but he hadn't expected him to save all three of them at once. Redemption. Redeeming himself through Tatsuha. He'd never even considered it.

The door clicked shut behind Shindou and Tohma's smile shone brilliantly through his tears. He stared at the broken bits of plastic and shredded ribbons of film and started to pick them up, just as he would need to pick up the remnants of his tattered life.


	3. Eiri

**_DISCLAIMER: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami. I'm just borrowing the characters to fulfill the needs of my own morbid plot bunnies._**

_AN: I don't know about the ending. I wanted there to be more, but then I was satisfied with it at the same time. Hm. Well, here's the end.  
_

Eiri

Eiri flicked on the television to find that it had been set to watch the VCR. Shuichi must have been watching a video before he'd come home because he certainly hadn't been. He remembered how strange Shuichi had been behaving before he'd disappeared out the door. Normally when Shuichi returned from a tour, they were in bed within minutes. What had Shuichi been watching that had made him so subdued?

Eiri pressed the eject button on the remote only to discover that there was no tape in the VCR. Strange. Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe Shuichi hadn't been watching anything. The whole situation was a bit bizarre though. Shuichi had been gone now for nearly an hour and Eiri was starting to get a little worried. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, fingering the buttons lightly. Should he call Shuichi? Just in case?

As though on cue, he heard Shuichi's keys in the door. Eiri stood up and made his way to the doorway to greet Shuichi. He was relieved that he had finally come home and he really, _really_ wanted a little comfort from his lover. This absence had been particularly difficult.

"I'm home," Shuichi said very softly, his voice raw.

"Welcome back," Eiri responded.

Shuichi seemed surprised that Eiri was waiting for him at the door. "I'm sorry. Did I worry you?"

"You idiot," Eiri started, embarrassed by his own feelings. He stopped though and looked hard at Shuichi's face. "You've been crying."

It wasn't a question. It was a clear and concise statement. Shuichi sighed resignedly and stared Eiri in the eye. Eiri didn't like the serious expression on his face.

"Yes, I have been."

"Why?"

Shuichi drew in a long, deep breath and avoided eye contact. He tried to push past Eiri, but Eiri didn't want to just let this go.

"Yuki, please. Let's just...forget about it."

"No. Why won't you look at me?"

Shuichi drew in a loud breath again and raised his eyes slowly to meet Eiri's. There was a sadness in them that made Eiri's heart pound uncomfortably in his chest and his stomach to twist miserably.

"I know."

That was it. That was all he'd said. 'I know'. But what did he know?

"What do you know?" Eiri asked as casually as he could.

"I know about," Shuichi released a sigh and looked away again, hesitating.

"What?" Eiri asked sharply. But he already knew. Shuichi knew. Shuichi knew about the darkness within him. And this would be the end of his life as he knew it.

"I know about you and Tohma and Tatsuha."

Eiri shook his head repeatedly. "No. You...you can't. It's sick."

Shuichi's eyes watched Eiri's face carefully. He reached out to Eiri, but the writer backed into the wall behind him.

"Eiri...," Shuichi started.

"No! No, you can't know that!"

Eiri's voice had raised several octaves and was near hysteria. He twisted out of Shuichi's grip until there was nowhere for him to go except flush against the wall. The younger man stood in front of him and said nothing as Eiri brought his hands up to his face, nearly drowning in his own tears.

Eiri felt the warm arms of Shuichi around his hunched form and slid down to the floor, brining his lover with him. He remembered what Tatsuha had said. Is that what Shuichi wanted now? Did he want to rape him, too? Or, was he feeling so betrayed that he would leave him? But then, why was he holding him? Eiri reached out and clutched Shuichi to him almost violently.

"You can't leave me."

He had meant it to sound stern, but it had come out as a cry. Eiri felt Shuichi relax against him and prepared himself for whatever he was about to say. He deserved it. All of it. For having such a dark mind, for using Tohma and Tatsuha, for still dreaming about Kitazawa, for betraying Shuichi. For being so _sick_. He deserved all the hate that Shuichi could muster, even if it would destroy him. Even if he wasn't willing to let Shuichi go, he knew he would if he had to do it. He was tainted, dark, and ruined, after all. Shuichi was light and brilliance, totally untarnished.

"Don't be stupid," Shuichi said softly, stroking Eiri's head lightly, "I'm here to rescue you."


End file.
